What I Have Found

So, I have recently concluded that happiness creates a certain level of uncomfortability in me. It is not the happiness itself, yet another person’s ability to be happy. I find myself around others I believe to be truly happy, and while I too may be happy for that moment, it is nothing more than an idea to me; a high that needs to be continuously chased. Though I do not consider myself a sad person, I experience sadness on a level that far exceeds any clinical definition of the word. My greatest fear is for those I surround myself with. The fear of sadness transference and creating an ultimate environment of moping and frowned expressions. I am not aware of where this comes from. I only know it when I feel it and am ashamed of my lack of light. I envy those that can create a comfortable light.

Tags: happiness, life, Love, Sadness

Fly By

The seasons blend together seamlessly now. It is hotter today than yesterday, but not as hot as the day before. Keeping track of my thoughts is more difficult now than in past months. I would love to remember what it meant to be inspired. To wake with new thoughts in the dead of night instead of chasing the fading memory of a dream. Maybe the music doesn’t move me the same. Maybe it’s all in the way I hear it. I’ve found so much to be happy about, but I don’t have the time to manage how I feel. I am just ready to stop worrying, stop imagining the worst case in my head. 

Tags: Creativity, Stress, Thoughts

This Post Is Untitled

For months now, it has all been brewing under the surface. I had been feeling an impending sense of doom hanging over me; leaning on me. I’ve felt this uncomfortable in my life before, but not to this extent. My nights have been consisting of laying in bed with the feeling that I may not wake up. I made it a point to tell my wife that I love her in the event of this happening. If I did sleep, I woke up relieved and disappointed; for what I would have to face in the day(s) ahead seemed unbearable. It’s not always a physical pain, but has been at times. The bulk of the pain I felt exists in my head, my brain. I am constantly in fear that things will not go well. Not Just that it won’t go well, but afraid of reactions while trying to cope. I don’t know who I am most days. Neither does anyone I know. I avoid people, am mean and hurtful to those I love, but will smile just enough to show that side of me that is normal. If everyone I know is confused about my mentality, I am doubly so. The shame I feel from this makes me want to avoid those that much more. Explaining madness to the sane is futile. Sometimes I feel I will only be remembered for everything wrong with me. Things were okay once. I was okay once.

Tags: Anxiety, Death, depression, Fear, life

So Very Quiet

How is it that life has become more frantic, and yet, has slowed down so much that I can begin to see it all? It takes time to see the difference between your wants and what is truly important. Knowing and feeling sacrifice I believe is the first step in becoming a real person.

Tags: happiness, life, Random, words

Skywriting (A Message To My Wife On The Occasion Of Our 7th Anniv)

These words were too many and too expensive to write in the sky. So I will write them as a public declaration of my love and dedication for you here.

I have loved you for as long as I’ve known you
You are kind and happy and have always made me smile
Even if it is something that you deem foolish
I see it as cute and unintentionally funny
In seven years of being your husband
I feel I have truly gotten to know you
Even if what I know disagrees with me
Or bothers me, or irritates me to no end
(as I Know I irritate you)
I have grown to love (and understand)
Every quirk, every reaction
Even though I may forget
Why you would act a certain way
I can always think about it later
And come to an understanding
Of Why you might be mad at me
I love how you love our son
And how you would do anything
To protect him from the evils of this world
How you have cared for My sons
And have given them a greater
Understanding of what is right and just
I admire your ability to adapt
As we have found ourselves
In the strangest and hardest of circumstances
I appreciate how you have cared for me
Even though you may not show concern
(at times)
I know that it runs deeper
And hits harder than I will ever know
I admire your spirituality
And the example you set for us all
I will Never grow tired of your beauty
Even when you feel that
You look less than perfect
I am quietly reminding myself
Of how truly fortunate I am
To have dedicated my life to someone
So kind
Loving
Intelligent
Irritating
Quirky
Beautiful
Wise
And as dedicated a wife
As anyone could be

Tags: Anniversary, Love, Marriage

Something That Was Never There

I really don’t think I’ve ever been happy. I’ve had brief Moments of happiness. That’s true. I just don’t think I’ve had continuous happiness. For as long as I can remember, I’ve always had some sort of grief keeping me down, confused and alone. I remember waking up stressed as a small child – the world was keeping me down. Fear, anxiety. Nothing has ever truly been ideal. Even the times I thought I knew what would fill this emptiness, I couldn’t have been more wrong. It’s been an acceptance of circumstance and I don’t know if it’s like this for everyone. Does anyone ever wake up carefree and content? I really hope so. I’m past the point of envy for those that do. I really just want to know it’s possible. For me, for everyone that feels the same.

Tags: Journal, life

My Generation Can’t Get It Right

I know who my friends were growing up. I know what they were and weren’t capable of. I also knew of the capabilities of those around me. The burnouts, the suckers, the fiends. The same people I watched shop at Hot Topic upon it’s opening in an attempt to discover their identity – well guess what? They not only discovered their identities, but we are putting our lives in their hands every day.
Recently, a friend was having issues with his finance company. Issues that might have been avoided if not for human error – and as upset as I was for him – I thought back to our generation. The same generation that perfected slacking. Would we truly expect Everyone to get it right? If you grew up in the late 1980′s to early 1990′s, can you honestly say that you would trust everyone you knew to handle your finances? To drive your emergency vehicles? To respond to a robbery at your home? Those same people you knew, are doing just that.
You may be thinking of yourself or others you knew as the exception. I’ve read your Facebook posts, your blogs, seen the pictures and I am frightened. I am not only frightened on behalf of everyone, but because I know my own capabilities and functioning.
I’ve been working since the tender age of 14. This of course has added experience in many ways. Not just job experience – but the ability to be a part of this Generation and focus on the needs of others. I’m not saying that there weren’t times of irresponsibility – especially in the teen years – there were. What I really want you to imagine however, are the ones that are Still pulling all nighters that are one button press away from erasing the funds in your bank account. Or the ones that are hungover and driving your child to the hospital in the back of their ambulance. A small few indeed. But existent.
It happens with every generation. It’s happening now.
But now, we can put a face to the occupation. We can relate.

Tags: Generation X, Opinion, World

Of The Mind

Our thoughts travel so fast. Interest, desire, creation, fear. I remember a time – thinking – my mind was powerful enough to overcome any illness, any stress. I was right – but somehow lost touch with that thought. It was as if that part of my brain had simply shut down. What causes someone to feel True love more than once in a lifetime? The Mind can determine your place in this world – for where are the ones that do not use it? The ones that do, always determine that. The mind creates destruction – yet knows how to avoid it. The mind determined beauty to most – and even though can see it, can never Truly explain why it is beautiful To Them. It interprets these words and gathers a reaction – even if that is No reaction.

Tags: contemplation, mind, Random

Thoughts Of Life and Art

Where are you now? What feeds the desire in you? Looking out into the skies or walls before you – have you created what you thought you would, with what you have? The walls have been written on before – in many ways – and may have left you with no space to write yourself. Walls are built and destroyed. Are you creating in the skies – limitless – with no threat of anything that came before or after? Even the smallest cloud knows how to move, change and disappear. Only with realization will honesty come. Honesty breeds honesty. You will discover that endless sky in the eyes of someone who is truly honest – if only in the mirror.

Breaking Point

It’s been years now that I hoped I would get better. At times I would sit, unable to move, crippled by what I thought was depression. I’ve tried every form of medication – every dose – reluctantly but with hope. It seemed to mask whatever problems I may have been having and made them “manageable” or “acceptable”. I wasn’t thinking, however, that problems are problems and that no matter how they are disguised or managed, they still exist. As a man, I know my place in this world – hunt and gather if you will – but when things are out of place and out of control, everything can come to a dead stop. The madman that I have become hasn’t been ignored by me, but fought, every step of the way. I have looked for clarity and solution in the haze, but have only found resistance. When there is nothing left to try, no excuse left to hear and nothing left but to accept the status quo – as troubling as that may be – it can truly reek havoc on your ability to cope. Kerouac once wrote – “There’s a tightening around the head that hurts, there’s a terror of the mind that hurts even more. They’re so unhappy and especially because they can’t explain it to anybody or reach out and be helped… They are really suffering more than anyone in the world and I think in the universe in fact.”
It’s becoming undone.
Unraveled.
I’m trying. Acceptance is becoming harder and harder these days.

Tags: Children, life, Marriage, Work